One of the most common questions we receive from those struggling with pornography addiction is: “Should I Tell My Wife I Have a Porn Problem?” A recent blog post on the Candeo website is along these lines and very common:

“. . . admitting to my wife will be the hardest and how she will accept me. We are close to separation. Every time she asked me what was wrong I could not tell her. I have failed her and my self.”

This comment illustrates several key issues. First, it is extremely difficult for a pornography addict to disclose to his spouse. Or, if he is not married, it can be just as difficult to disclose to a parent or girlfriend. Why? The individual who posted the blog comment expressed his greatest concern when he said-”. . . and how she will accept me.” We all want to be accepted, valued and thought well of. A husband wants to be a hero, a “knight in shining armor” to his wife. A son wants to be considered a success, someone his parents can be proud of. I can tell you from my own recovery years, our greatest fear as an addict is disappointing those we care about most. We fear letting them down and being a failure or weak in their eyes. This fear is often so intense that we keep our porn addiction a secret at all costs-we are convinced that the risks of discovery are too great. We believe things like, “If they ever find out the truth, they could never accept me,” or “If they really knew about my dark side, they could never love me.” In addition, we also fear that we will not be able to cope with the difficulties of life without our “drug of choice.” If we tell others about our addiction, then they’ll expect us to give it up, and we’re not sure we’re ready to do that.

So, controlled by these fears, we resort to lies, deceptions, secrecy and withholding the truth. As the individual in the blog post said, “Every time she asked me what was wrong I could not tell her. I have failed her and my self.” The hardest part about this addiction is that as a result of our isolation and secrecy, we choose to bear alone the heavy burdens of guilt, shame, depression and feeling like a total loser and failure.

If we do manage to find the courage to tell a spouse, parent or someone else close to us about the addiction, we’re not sure how to go about it. Here’s another typical comment an individual posted to the Candeo blog:

“I need to know how do I get my wife to believe in me again and start to trust me and have faith that I am getting help for my problem and that I want this to work and stay together?”

What is the answer? First of all, you must come to the conclusion that you will never overcome pornography addiction by yourself. Remember, this is a powerful “chemical” addiction. Just as you would need help to break free of cocaine or meth, you need help to escape this “drug.” Second, you’ve got to stop taking counsel from your fears. In my experience, we greatly exaggerate and blow up “possible” future scenarios in our minds. Most often, things don’t turn out to be the total disaster we envisioned. And even if some of our fears are realized, we find that we have the capacity and wherewithal to deal with it and move forward.  So, set aside your fears and start taking action-start doing something to begin moving forward!

Second, while disclosure to a spouse, parent or someone else close to you is important to your recovery, you should carefully consider the timing and circumstances. Simply declaring to a spouse, “Hey, I’m hooked on porn,” without the proper preparation and foundation in place is rarely productive. There are two important factors that should be in place when you disclose your addiction.:

1.You should have a very basic understanding about how your addiction works, how you got into it, and a general idea of the recovery process. You should be able to share this very basic understanding with whomever you are disclosing your addiction to. You should also be able to direct the individual to educational resources where they can learn about these things in greater depth for themselves.

2.You should begin your recovery journey and be making some progress as you disclose your addiction. Don’t use this as an excuse to remain in secret until you are “cured.” Just get the recovery process started and headed in the right direction as you invite others to help you.

Why are these factors important? Because they give a spouse, parent, fiancé, girlfriend, etc., two critical gifts-understanding and hope. They can come to important realizations, such as: “His addiction is not about me.” “He is not a loser or lost cause-there is a logical, scientific explanation as to why he is trapped.” “I can see that he is sincere about his recovery because he is actually making progress.” “I believe he can break free from this and I want to help him.”

We have designed the Candeo program to give you critical knowledge and understanding about your addiction-for your own peace of mind and personal growth-and to share with others. The program is also designed to quickly get you solidly on the path to recovery so you can begin making progress and invite those you care for most to partner with you. In the Candeo program, your “Support People” will find the knowledge and tools they need to feel secure and confident moving forward with you.